Tips for navigating the kink community

This document is a compilation of the collective wisdom of Trancesylvanians who held a round-table discussion in January 2026 on social skills useful in the kink community, particularly the hypnosis kink community. Notes were taken by Luca and Mars; and edited by Mutt. It is hosted here as a mirror of the FetLife post for those who do not use FetLife. We hope you find it helpful :)

What is something you wish you knew when you were new in the kink scene?

• Philadelphia has two main dungeons: Prism Arts and The Nest. Most community events are at one of these two venues.
• In Philadelphia, and in other cities, there are kink events specifically for Black people and people of color in general.
• The least attractive thing you can do is to talk about not being attractive or making other self-deprecating comments in front of other people.
• Don't enter the conversation with your genitals. Be here to make friends first. If you act like you're on a mission to find play and nothing else, people will be wary of you.
• You don't owe anyone play. And nobody owes you play.

How Do I Find Someone To...

Make Friends With

Attend events like munches and skill shares. People are friendly. Talk to people, ask them about themselves, and even directly say "do you want to be friends?"

Play (do kinky things) with

Make friends at kink events. Eventually, you might try flirting with your friends, and then suggesting that you might want to play together. Starting small is usually more comfortable for people. "Labbing" (casually practicing kink techniques together, without the intensity of a full scene) is usually a good start.

Vetting new play partners

It's important to vet potential new play partners before doing a risky scene with them. This might look like asking other people if they've played with them before or for their opinions on them. It might look like observing how they play in a public space like a dungeon. It might look like asking them certain questions about how they handle safety. It might look like scoping out their fetlife profile for red flags. 

If you can't vet someone very well, possibly because they're too new to the community to have a reputation, then it's advisable to start small and engage only in lower-risk play. This can help you get a sense for if you'd trust them for a more intense scene. This all goes for both tops and bottoms.

Being "vettable" is a good thing to be. Playing in dungeons or labbing at skill shares, having a unique scene name, and making friends; helps build that network of trust around you and that positive reputation. Don't be offended by people talking about you behind your back. It's a part of how people keep each other safe.

Be in an ongoing kinky dynamic with

Start by becoming friends, and then be casual play partners. The dynamic finds you. It grows out of playing regularly and eventually deciding together that you want to try making it into a dynamic outside of scenes. You don't start out by forming an ongoing kinky dynamic with someone immediately.

Date

Don't go into the kink community on a mission to date. Go in to make friends, and let the relationships build from there. Be open to a variety of different connections.

People in kink spaces won't want to go on 1-on-1 dates with people they haven't met first at an event or other group context. FetLife is not a dating app, and neither are kink discord servers. Before asking someone on a date, try to establish the kind of friendship where you hang out together outside of kink events.

There are also speed dating events that might be useful.

Talking to People

How do I start a conversation with a stranger?

Most people at kink events are very friendly and love to meet new people. That especially goes for hypnosis events. Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know.

You can start by offering your scene name, and asking for theirs. Ask small talk questions. Compliments on things they did on purpose, such as "I love your outfit" can also be good conversation starters. Finding common interests to talk about such as board games, tabletop role-playing games, or Magic: the Gathering will likely be successful.

You can use body language to assess if you should approach. If a few people are standing in a very tight circle, without any open space someone could approach from, then they are likely having a private conversation and do not want to be approached. If they are standing in a loose circle, with some open space, you can feel safe approaching and asking "mind if I join your conversation?"

If someone is sitting alone in a corner and looking at their phone, then they probably do not want to be approached. However, if they are sitting alone and looking around the room, or alternating between looking at their phone and around the room, then you should totally approach them and strike up a conversation.

If exactly two people are facing each other head-on and engaged in an intense looking conversation, then you may want to just assume they're planning a scene or doing hypnosis, and you should give them space.

Signs that someone is interested in talking to you

Are you often glancing at each other across a room? They might be interested in talking to you.

If they seem to make a point of sitting or standing closer to you when there's plenty of space available, then they are probably interested in talking to you. If they make a point of standing or sitting further from you, even when it's inconvenient, then they probably are not interested in talking to you. Always be mindful of personal space! There's such a thing as getting too close to other people.

Many people in our community are very direct and will simply tell you if they're interested. It might sound like "you seem interesting to talk to" for expressing interest, or "I actually am not up for talking" for disinterest.

If someone makes eye contact a lot, they're probably interested. If they don't make eye contact, it's not necessarily indicative of disinterest. Many Autistic people simply prefer not to make eye contact. If someone's feet and/or body are turned away from you and they're frequently looking towards a door, they probably don't want to talk to you.

If someone is giving you only short responses that don't invite more discussion, they probably aren't interested in talking to you. For instance, if you ask them: "Is that a One Piece reference?" and they just say "Yeah," then look away from you; they're probably not interested in talking to you. Someone who was interested in talking to you probably would have shown some excitement that you noticed the reference, and said perhaps: "It is! Luffy is my favorite. How much have you read?"

People who are interested in talking to you more will usually ask you questions, turn your questions back on you, or give longer responses that create lots of openings for more discussion, responses, or follow-up questions. 

What questions are appropriate in a kink space?

Inappropriate: - Direct questions about sex or sexual organs - Real name - Real job - Spouse (who isn't at the event), kids, family - Neighborhood of residence - Fishing for sexy stories

Appropriate: - What do you do for fun? - How did you find out about (place/event)? - What do you like about (kink)? - When did you start practicing (kink)? - How did you do that cool thing I saw you do?

What are some reasonable boundaries to assume people will have in a kink space?

Never touch another person without consent. While in the vanilla world, it may sometimes be considered appropriate to touch people in certain ways without asking; in the kink world the default is always that you will not touch another person in any way without asking. People may re-negotiate this as they get closer to someone. The same goes for other people's belongings.

Do not treat people in kinky ways you have not negotiated with them. For instance, don't talk to someone as if you are their dominant and they are your submissive; or vice versa. Do not call people by titles, or praise them with terms like "good toy." 

Do not send people unsolicited nude photos, nor flash your erotic zones at them at events.

Sobriety is the norm at nearly every play party or event where kink is being practiced. Purely social events like munches or private get-togethers may involve alcohol, but "getting wasted" is less socially acceptable and maybe lead to embarrassing yourself in front of someone you like. Nearly all hypnosis kink spaces are sober-only spaces.

NEVER involve yourself in someone else's scene without advance invitation to do so. If there's a possibility two or more people are doing kink together, give them space and do not talk to them. If you suspect two people are negotiating a scene, you should give them space and avoid interrupting. Assume you are not invited into other people's kink unless they invite you, and don't interrupt them to ask to be invited. It's not common to be invited into someone else's scene unplanned.

Follow the rules of the space you are in. Kink events tend to have very precise and strict rules. You cannot assume the rules will be the same at each event, and you should make a point of closely reading the rules and following them.

How do you know if someone secretly hates you, or is mad at you, possibly due to something you said?

Most likely, nobody secretly hates you forever because of something you said one time. It would be strange for someone to maintain an elaborate high-effort facade of enjoying someone's company if they actually hated that person. If someone was putting themselves through that ordeal, then that's really their problem, and not the fault of the person who is being deceived. If they're putting in the effort to spend time with you, then they probably like you well enough.

If a problem is not important enough to someone for them to talk to you or an organizer about it, then it's not important enough to you for you to worry about it. If someone did decide they don't like you forever after one singular comment, and never talks to you about it, then they probably aren't worth caring about.

If you're deeply concerned you offended someone, then you could ask them for information. But don't trap them in a scenario where they feel they have to offer you reassurances. Don't say "Do you hate me?" Instead, try framing it as a preemptive apology, such as "I'm afraid I may have offended you at some point, and if that is the case, then I am quite sorry. If I'm right, would you be willing to share with me what it was that I did? If I didn't offend you at all, then don't mind me, I'll be on my way." Be advised that, if it's true they don't like you, then you might be inviting an unpleasant conversation.

Flirting

How do you flirt?

Flirting is something that everyone universally feels they are bad at. It's also notoriously difficult to pick-up on when someone is flirting. These two universal truths are the most important things to remember about flirting. You are not worse at it than everyone else. Everyone feels insecure about their flirting skills.

The first step to flirting with someone is just talking to them. See above for tips on talking to people. Make small talk about potential common interests (vanilla or kinky) and get to know them a little. Don't try too hard to be someone else's idea of attractive, just try to be yourself, because the people who like that will like you for you.

Give people compliments about things that people did on purpose, rather than natural qualities. For instance, makeup, fashion sense, a joke they made, something smart they said, an impressive rope tie they did, or an impressive hypnosis induction. Give genuine compliments that you truly mean and which will make them happy.

Make a concerted effort to interact with them just a little bit more than the average person. Initiate talking to them when you see them. Ask them lots of questions. Sit near them in group settings (but respect personal space). The goal here is to just be noticeably interested, not to be following them around or overwhelming.

As you start to get the sense that they enjoy talking to you, or share mutual interest, you can escalate to compliments that are about less-intentional acts, such as "you have a beautiful voice" or "you look like you might be very strong." Still avoid direct references to erotic areas like breasts or butts.

When you've gotten to know someone, start being direct. People differ on how early they prefer the directness to begin. Being direct might include "I find you very attractive" or "I am flirting with you, by the way." Perhaps a "may I flirt with you?" or if you want to be coy, "well, I need to be on my way, but I'd love to keep flirting later." It may feel silly to directly state you are flirting, but the hypnosis kink community is full of neurodivergent nerds, and the explicitness will be appreciated.

When it's clear that the flirting is mutual and you're on the same page, you can also advance to more "fun flirting" like making double entendres implying the things you'd like to do with someone. 

How do you recognize interest in playing together?

One of the most effective methods is simply to ask. Perhaps someone is describing an idea for a scene, and you say "That sounds fun. Want to do that sometime?" This will be most effective with someone you've already been mutually flirting with, or who you're already friends with.

Other lines you could use might be: "do you want that?" "wanna make that happen?" or "that can be arranged, if you'd like?"

When you know you'll both be at an upcoming play partner or convention, you might ask: "How is your dance card looking? Do you have a lot of scenes planned already? Might there be time for me?"

If someone seems really excited to interact with you, they are likely interested in you, or at least would not be offended if you asked.

How do you identify and respond to a "Soft No?"

A "soft no" is a way for someone to politely decline without explicitly saying "no" or rejecting someone. Many people may feel uncomfortable giving a direct no to certain people or under certain circumstances. It's important to recognize when you've potentially received a soft no and to treat it like if you had been given a no.

A soft no might sound like "Maybe" or "I don't know." It could also sound like excuses, such as "I'm kind of tired" or "I have somewhere to be."

A good way to handle the ambiguity is to put the ball in their court. For instance, saying "OK, well let me know later if you're interested." Let them take the initiative if it really was an "I don't know." Don't try to "follow-up" unless they actively asked you to.

Because Soft No's are common in kink spaces, when people actually do have a real excuse and aren't just trying to turn you down, they'll often explicitly affirm their interest in playing with you by saying something like: "I really do have to be somewhere, but I absolutely do want to play with you and we should talk later."

In general, try not to chase people or be desperate. If they're not putting in the effort to make the scene happen with you, then don't try to keep pushing. If it feels like scening with you is not their first choice for how they'd like to spend their time, then maybe just don't pursue play with that person. You deserve to play with people who make time for you, rather than people who settle for you if they happen to be free.

Living the Double Life

Basic ways to protect your privacy

Use a scene name. A scene name is anything you go by in kink spaces other than a name you use in vanilla spaces. Unique scene names will help you build a positive reputation in the community, since it will be easy to remember who you are. Scene names can be anything, they don't have to sound like real names. Expect very long scene names like "TheHypnoSpiralMasterOfDarkness" to get truncated by others into nicknames. You can change your scene name at any time, and people will happily make the switch, so don't overthink it.

Don't post the same photos in kinky spaces and in vanilla spaces. Your vanilla instagram and your FetLife should not have the same selfies or the same photos of a beautiful sunset. This goes for kinky discord servers too. People can easily use TinEye or Google Reverse Image Search to find every place that same image has been posted. Make sure your camera app is set not to store location data on your photos. Don't post pictures of the view out your window, the outside of your house, or mail you've received.

In general, just be more vague about personal life details. You don't live in Philadelphia, you live in the Philadelphia Area. You aren't a lead software engineer at Plinko Incorporated; you just "work in tech." You aren't 32, you're just in your thirties. 

What if you bump into someone from kinkland in vanilla life?

If you happen to bump into someone you know from kink in a vanilla space, you don't have to completely ignore them. A smile or polite nod can be appropriate. Don't call out their scene name or act excited to seem them. You don't know who else from their life might be nearby, or what impression you might make.

A great way to handle this is to message the person on your phone something like "Hey, I saw you on SEPTA/at the grocery store/at the board game night. How would you like me to handle that in the future?"

What if you bump into someone from your vanilla life in a kink spaces?

If you don't want to interact with them, just don't. Ignore them, and they will likely ignore you. If you must or choose to interact with them, introduce yourself with your scene name. If you address that you know each other, do it privately via a messaging app or with nobody else around. You can discuss what boundaries you'd like to keep with each other.

Remember, if they saw you at the dungeon, it begs the question: "What were you doing at the dungeon?" There's not really a way for them to out you without outing themselves. It's in your mutual best interests to keep each other's secrets.

Miscellaneous

How do you talk about STIs?

Be direct and avoid stigmatizing. Stigma prevents people from being honest, and honesty is what we need.

Instead of asking "are you clean?" which stigmatizes any answer other than "yes;" start by bringing up your own testing status. State when you last got tested for STIs, and ask when they last got tested. Keep documentation of when you get tested.

From there, you might ask "did anything come up?" and you can discuss appropriate methods for preventing spread, such as the barrier method, or decide to do kink that is less likely to spread STIs, such as clothing-on scenes.

Why are there no tops

There are actually plenty of tops in the community, they're just in hiding. Tops get treated as kink dispensers, overwhelmed by people they don't know well asking them to play. Often, if you're just chill and make friends, you'll start to learn that some of your new friends are tops or top-leaning switches.

Please care for your tops. Ask them for their aftercare needs during negotiations. Respect their boundaries and limits. Tops are people just like you, not wish fulfillment machines.